The past month has been the most difficult of my life. I am not sure why it's so hard. I have been put out on the streets as a child, a teen single-mother. I have stood in line at food banks and social services, during the "down" times. This is my second marriage. So I have done divorce before. For some reason, out of all the abuses I have conquered, this one is the most difficult. What makes this unique compared to all the others? Or is it that it is not more painful, we just think so because it is the most current pain that we are dealing with?
We choose our people. I firmly believe this. We may not have control over the ones who leave, but we damn sure choose the ones who remain.
Logically, I cannot wrap my mind around the "my feelings have changed" bit. We choose our feelings. Don't get me wrong. Some things are an unconditioned reflex. But that is just a moment in time. After the second has passed, we choose how we react. Do we get involved? Do we become enraged? If we laughed out of turn, why and should we apologize? We decide.
Feelings do not just up and walk away. A dear friend sent me a quote stating this. I had to think about it for awhile. Though I do not know the author, he or she stated, "Feelings do not walk away, people do." I wish I knew who wrote that. The more I have rolled this around in my head, the more real and true the words have become.
This has been the way of my life. People walk away. Some of this I accept. Life just whirls out of control and many times we forget how to maintain our grasp. So we go with what is thrown at us. In the process, some people fade away. We don't necessarily stop loving them, or caring for them. Other circumstances become more imminent. The people related to these new situations become prominent. Thus, some people fade.
Only some though. We move and lose touch. We grow and change and others do not follow. So we decide, which people no longer serve our best interest? Our choice who remains and who no longer has our best interests in mind.
My mind cannot wrap around feelings taking on a personality of its own and making choices, separate from the person that it belongs too. Just randomly deciding to change without consulting the host. Left field. One moment we are planning the honeymoon we never had. All of the travels we can now go on together, as all the children have nearly moved from home, finally have become attainable. For the first time since we met, we were planning on living for our relationship, for "us".
Then feelings took on a life of their own. Somewhere in left field it seems other operation planning was taking place. A new mission was being constructed. Unbeknownst to both of us (though I find this absolutely illogical), "Feelings" threw a curveball and decided my husband would be better served if his focus was somewhere else.
It is not as if we have never argued. Though the past two years it has been few and far between. I chalked this up to maturity, being on the same page, finally having shared goals; thus, no reason to argue anymore. Intimacy took a back seat, in a sense. Again, foolishly, I believed that this is also normal in a relationship. Sometimes there is the passionate tidal wave sometimes the calming of the sea. When you still reach out for each others hand in public, without forethought, that is a form of special intimacy. One that seemed just as vital as the other. More so, in a way. To subconsciously respond to the other person in your life seems even more special. It means you are bonded at a level of soul connection. Or so I thought.
When a relationship ends, is it really from left field? If we did not see it coming, is it some random surprise, or (and I wonder, most likely), is it that we never pay attention, we never focus on what is going on in left field?
