Do we ever focus on left field?

     After 18 years of marriage, my husband tells me his feelings have changed.  He claims he will "always have love for" me and "don't you think it's about time?"  Do relationships have an expiration date then?

     The past month has been the most difficult of my life.  I am not sure why it's so hard.  I have been put out on the streets as a child, a teen single-mother.  I have stood in line at food banks and social services, during the "down" times.  This is my second marriage.  So I have done divorce before.  For some reason, out of all the abuses I have conquered, this one is the most difficult.  What makes this unique compared to all the others?  Or is it that it is not more painful, we just think so because it is the most current pain that we are dealing with?

     We choose our people.  I firmly believe this.  We may not have control over the ones who leave, but we damn sure choose the ones who remain.  

     Logically, I cannot wrap my mind around the "my feelings have changed" bit.  We choose our feelings.  Don't get me wrong.  Some things are an unconditioned reflex.  But that is just a moment in time.  After the second has passed, we choose how we react.  Do we get involved?  Do we become enraged?  If we laughed out of turn, why and should we apologize?  We decide.

     Feelings do not just up and walk away.  A dear friend sent me a quote stating this.  I had to think about it for awhile.  Though I do not know the author, he or she stated, "Feelings do not walk away, people do."  I wish I knew who wrote that.  The more I have rolled this around in my head, the more real and true the words have become.  

     This has been the way of my life.  People walk away.  Some of this I accept.  Life just whirls out of control and many times we forget how to maintain our grasp.  So we go with what is thrown at us.  In the process, some people fade away.  We don't necessarily stop loving them, or caring for them.  Other circumstances become more imminent.  The people related to these new situations become prominent.  Thus, some people fade.

     Only some though.  We move and lose touch.  We grow and change and others do not follow.  So we decide, which people no longer serve our best interest?  Our choice who remains and who no longer has our best interests in mind.  

     My mind cannot wrap around feelings taking on a personality of its own and making choices, separate from the person that it belongs too.  Just randomly deciding to change without consulting the host.  Left field.  One moment we are planning the honeymoon we never had.  All of the travels we can now go on together, as all the children have nearly moved from home, finally have become attainable.  For the first time since we met, we were planning on living for our relationship, for "us".  

     Then feelings took on a life of their own.  Somewhere in left field it seems other operation planning was taking place.  A new mission was being constructed.  Unbeknownst to both of us (though I find this absolutely illogical),  "Feelings" threw a curveball and decided my husband would be better served if his focus was somewhere else.  

     It is not as if we have never argued.  Though the past two years it has been few and far between.  I chalked this up to maturity, being on the same page, finally having shared goals; thus, no reason to argue anymore.  Intimacy took a back seat, in a sense.  Again, foolishly, I believed that this is also normal in a relationship.  Sometimes there is the passionate tidal wave sometimes the calming of the sea.  When you still reach out for each others hand in public, without forethought, that is a form of special intimacy.  One that seemed just as vital as the other.  More so, in a way.  To subconsciously respond to the other person in your life seems even more special.  It means you are bonded at a level of soul connection.  Or so I thought.

     When a relationship ends, is it really from left field?  If we did not see it coming, is it some random surprise, or (and I wonder, most likely), is it that we never pay attention, we never focus on what is going on in left field?

  

     Life is about change.  I so get that.  Normally I would be the first person to advocate just that, shake it up to avoid stagnation.  Just as with all things, its easier said than done.


     Though I enjoy mixing things up, I think our current situation is beginning to border amalgamation hysteria! Believe me, I'm not over reacting.  Since August 2011 we have lived in 6 different places and in 4 different towns.  Myself, Candaice, Tyler & Makayla began by staying at a friends with her 4 children.  That was a living hell (that I'll go into later).  Still we made it work for the maximum of two months, realizing our presence was entirely resented.  So we moved in with another "friend" in the neighboring town.


     Now the move seemed like it was a win-win situation.  Of course after the other party had finished receiving their winning end of the deal (meaning after we watched their house & dogs while they went on a cruise), we were treated with disdain & avoided. As a survival tactic we, all 4, shared one room & one bed & did our best (after daily cleaning & cooking) to stay clear of the "friend" and her two out of control children.  Okay, in all fairness it was one out of control teenager.  As with all things teenager, the younger sister just kept getting pulled into the mess & didn't have a whole lot of say when it came to trying to explain to her mother the truth of any matter (or in sticking up for my brood, who was constantly being used as a deflection tactic).


     Its at this point in the story that I gave notice at my job & made arrangements to move in with my dad.  A complete 360.  When we first moved to Washington we stayed with him and his wife (which was a parallel visit to the whole first scenario above, another stint in hell).  To decide to move back in with them, even briefly was a frightening option, but we bit the bullet & gave it a shot.  It did work out well for the two weeks we had to stay.  (Thank the Gods!)


     My husband then flew up to Washington to rescue us & drive us to Nevada.  My brother already had lived in Nevada for years.  As my husband had been laid off for two years and the prospects of a jo,b of any worth in Washington, were nonexistent, Nevada seemed like the place to go.


     Which brings me to where we are now....


     We stayed in the Travelodge for about three weeks.  At which time we were given some BS excuse as to why the manager could not, in all "good" conscience, "extend (our) stay."  Of course the manager never made herself available to explain what it is we had done or how it was that we were being "uninvited" as extended guests in their hotel.  Seriously I would love to meet her in a public forum & tear her ass apart (metaphorically of course).


     Now we're not a prideful family in the negative connotation.  However, we weren't about to try & put up a fight to stay in a place that felt they're high and mighty enough to "uninvite" a paying customer.  So we left.


     All in all, it turned out to be one of those situations where a better situation was waiting around the corner.  We found an amazing family suite with a kitchenette at an inn about one block up the road.  The hotel has a modest gym and an outdoor pool (that of course you can't use this time of year), yet for all the guests staying here they have made accommodations for you to use the pool at the inn up the road.  Either way, a very nice deal!  Our first month here was amazing.  Finally we felt like we were getting back to a feeling of home.


     Until we went to pay for an additional month on the room.  Then we were given the "oops, sorry someone made a mistake and the room was reserved a year ago to someone else at this time."  It was still "good" luck though that they had another room, same amount of beds, without a kitchenette for the same price that they were willing to rent for the month.  


     As an off thought, how is it that you would pay the same amount for rent when the amenities and conveniences are less?  Not to mention the furniture is older, smaller, and in a few cases, NOT functioning properly.  Yet I had to bust my ass to pack everything up in one day and move it around the building and upstairs in a matter of hours.  All so I could panic about how I was going to feed my family without a fridge or stove or decent sized freezer.  Again.... the rent is the same....?


     The funny thing is in this entire month, once I saw someone walk into the room we stayed in last month.  ONCE.  A single guy used the room for one night.  Correct me if I'm wrong here but how does this satisfy your customers and make them wish to continue using your services, recommend them to others, or wish to become a repeat customer?  I don't understand the logic in this.


     When they explained that we needed to move rooms, we were also told that due to the local Cowboy Poetry (?) event, they would be unable to rent rooms by the month during the month of February.  Now according to their local TV stations that are playing in the rooms they rent, this event takes place from January 30th-February 4th.  So, again, just pondering, how is it that you'll be book through February?


     Instead of having that warm feeling of home as a foundation to begin the day, every day has felt like a ticking countdown to the moment we could be homeless.


     So far, I'm not liking Nevada or the people who live here.  It seems the exception to the rule, around here anyway, are the couple of nice people I've met.  It's not the rule itself.